The Book

What they now call the old world was actually my home. It was precious to me, and still is. But I had to leave it behind. I was forced to leave it behind. I left it behind in order to find my way into the new world, to forge a way into the new world, to help the new world to be born, even though I didn’t know that at the time. I was a creator of the new world, you see. I was chosen for this task even before I was born. It was my destiny.  

I was born under a star, my Grandmothers told me, and my star contained the story of my journey into the new world. It was this sacred star that died and came to earth to be born as Stargirl. That’s me, hero and teller of this sacred, mythic story of mine, Story of Stargirl. Story of the death of the old and the birth of the new. Story of everyone. Everyone who was born and lived in my time. Together we had been chosen to create the world anew.

When I left the old world behind, I was like a seed cast off of a flower that died. The castle gates closed behind me, and I was suddenly alone. As a seed, I longed to return home to the flower from which I came, but instead it was my destiny to die as a seed, and to grow into a flower myself, to grow my own sacred garden, to walk in my own garden as the Goddess of my own sacred realm. I vowed for it to be as beautiful as the flower from whence I came.

I knew it wasn’t perfect. I mean, it was nowhere near perfect. For a start, there was Him. 

He was mean. You could say he was cruel. He was a trickster and he wouldn’t let you fly. He wouldn’t let you flourish, but we loved him anyway. He would show you one glimmer of his golden heart, and you’d be hooked forever. It wouldn’t matter how he treated you after that, you were in love with him anyway. You were in love with him despite it all. You were in love with him whatever.

He was impossible and he was a miracle.  

He asked me once if he was a good or bad boy. I told him in the most definite way I could that he was good. I didn’t know him then. Not yet. To me, he was just this radiant being, pure sunshine. I didn’t know the games he played, the way he threw his wound around him, making you suffer for his love. And I didn't know the rest of it either.  The rest of it that was hidden in plain sight.  I sure found out later though. I mean, I really found out in the end.

I called him the Beloved. He was loved by everyone, but especially by me. The Beloved, somehow he belonged to me. Maybe he belonged to all of us, I don’t know. What I do know is that the Beloved was hidden so deep inside himself, deep inside his own heart, that you had to go really deep into your own self, into your own heart, to really find him, to really know him. You could find him there, deep in your own heart, deep in your heart of hearts, if you had the courage to go that deep. Most people don’t have the courage to go that deep, but there is where you could find him, there is where you could come to know him. And I did have the courage to go that deep. I did come to know him. I came to know him well.  

It was the Beloved that unveiled the truth of my destiny, step after fateful step, unknowingly. And it was the Beloved that caused it all to happen for me. In the end, the Beloved was both my closest ally and my greatest enemy. He was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me. The Beloved was my downfall, and my undoing. He was the death of me. And yet he somehow brought me back to life. He brought me back to life more than one time, in the end.  

Deep down, underneath his meanness and cruelty, the Beloved was hurting. We all knew that, it was one of the reasons we loved him so much. He made sure we knew it, too. His wound was deep, and it hurt bad. I mean, it hurt really bad. Maybe on some level he thought we were the reason he hurt so bad, that’s how connected we all were. Maybe he blamed us. I know in the end, he blamed me.  

It was his wound that made him mean, you see. And it made us mean, too. That was the worst part of it. It made me mean. And then once I’d walked away enough to see it, I couldn’t stop myself from being mean to him too. In the end, I did become the reason he was hurting. And that was also part of my destiny.

The Beloved had a thing for me, you see. He couldn’t leave me alone. Somehow, he belonged to me. Somehow he was mine. The Beloved was closer to me than my own heart, but he kept me a secret. He kept me hidden. I was hidden in plain view, kept only for him. I don’t know why he hid me exactly, except that the Beloved didn’t know he was worthy of love. He never felt good enough to be loved, despite how much we all loved him. And I think he never really expected to fall in love. But he fell in love with me. And despite how things turned out, he did love me. I know he did,. He definitely loved me. I’m sure of it. In the end he hated me though. That’s what really caused me to die to the old world. I finally completely died to the old world when he turned on me and became my enemy. The Beloved caused that death in me. And the new world was born by way of the death of me. By way of my death and my resurrection. That came later, though.

He was probably the most selfish person you would ever meet. But he was magnetic. He was irresistible. Everybody wanted him. And back when the castle gates shut behind me, he was all I had left. He was all I had left. He was everything.

Did I mention the Beloved was not only my undoing? He was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, he really was everything. He was every sunrise and every sunset. He was the sun, the moon and the stars. He was the shine on the sea. He was every rainbow I ever saw. Once I knew him, once I really knew him, he was everywhere. He was everything. He romanced me in so many unexpected ways. Until I tried to leave him. That’s when things really went bad.

And then they got worse.

The Beloved didn’t want to be left, you see. The truth is, he was terrified of being alone. The Beloved really did not want to be left. He wanted to keep me. He wanted me all to himself. He wanted to be my all and everything. And that’s why I knew I had to leave him. I had to walk away. I really did. I had to leave him. Because, I don’t know how it happened, but in the end, when I turned toward God, who I’d known all my life since even before I became Stargirl, since even before I came into this life, God was no longer there. There was only the Beloved. The Beloved had gotten what he wanted. He had become my all and everything.

The problem was that the Beloved had taken the place of God for me. And the Beloved could not be my God. He was too wounded, too distorted, too disinterested, too mean. He was a god, there was no doubt about it. He was fierce like a god, powerful like a god, as legendary as a god, but he was not God. And I mean, he loved me. There was no doubt about that. He loved me like no one else had ever loved me. He loved me secretly, but he loved me with a devotion I had never known before. He filled me with love, with radiance, with a glow that lit up the dark. He filled me with bliss, with excitement, with passion, with creativity. But the Beloved could not be God to me. So I left him. I left him because I had to. It was the only way.

And then, when I left him, I was the only one I had left. As it turned out, this was my out of the old world and into the new. It was the way I finally flourished, to leave him behind and walk away.

Leaving the Beloved was my undoing, but it was also the making of me. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done, the hardest and most terrifying thing I ever went through. It was my dark night of the soul, but it led to my rebirth, my resurrection, and the realisation of my destiny.

The thing is, when you cross the Beloved, when you disobey him, when he loses control of you, the darkness you encounter from him is beyond anything you could have ever imagined for your life. At least that’s how it was for me. Love and hate, it turns out, are very closely connected. It’s as if hate is love inverted, and you only hate the people you love. Does that make sense? I found that out, in the end.

I knew I belonged to him, though. Even while I was leaving him, even through the dark night of losing him, even when love turned to hate and he became my enemy. I knew I belonged to the Beloved, and that he belonged to me.

Leaving the Beloved was the making of me. But it took me a long time to realise that, to really embody that, so that I could step forward into the future, into the new world, into my destiny. As soon as I did, things started to move really quickly, but in the meantime, I walked away from him devastated, alone, afraid, wishing he was still mine, trying to get back to him, giving up, getting up again.

I spent years putting myself back together after the Beloved destroyed me. He not only destroyed me, he destroyed everything about me. He destroyed the love in my heart. He destroyed my beauty. He destroyed my radiance. He destroyed my power. He destroyed my path. He destroyed my purpose. He destroyed our sacred currency, our currency of love, of giving and receiving. He destroyed everything we had, everything we shared. He destroyed me, and everything we had shared, like a child might destroy his once-favourite toy. And he destroyed himself in the process.  

It was as if he didn’t care. He didn’t care about himself and he didn’t care about me. Love turned to hate, and the Beloved followed hate all the way to the destruction of both of us. That’s when I died to the old, really and truly, and completely. I found myself devastated, destroyed, a heap on the floor, face in the dirt, and, over time, I picked myself up, and put myself back together again.

Actually, it took time to really experience the devastation the Beloved had caused in my life. At first, I didn’t have the opportunity or even the time to experience it. All I knew is that I had to get as far away from him as I possibly could. Fortunately for me, strong forces were at work to support me on my journey. So, supported by forces beyond my own control, I took my leave. I fled to the other side of the world. There I walked slowly, listening for guidance, finding my way step by step.

Once I found God again, the rest pieced itself together, step by step, and finally I found myself living my best life, despite everything, or rather because of it. And I began to realise this was what the spirits had meant when they told me, shortly after I died to the old, that the best was yet to come. I was, I realised, actually on the path to my destiny. And the Beloved’s undoing had set me free.

I had been set free. I was finally flying. When he turned on me, and I completed my death to the old world, he had set me free. Little did I know it at the time, and little would I believe it if someone had told me, but when love turned to hate, the Beloved had set me free from the shackles of the old that held me bound, imprisoned, and kept me small. He had wanted me small, you see. He had wanted me just for himself, focused only on him, living only for him, with him as my all and everything. Now I was free of that. I was free to flourish. I was free to fly.

But there was something missing. 

Deep in the heart of the Beloved was a sweetness, an intimacy, a sacred resting place, a golden sun, a rising moon, a throne of absolute grace. This place could only be reached by surrendering everything on the outside, especially your connection with him, bowing your head and going deep, deep, deep inside, into your heart of hearts. There you could meet the Beloved. The Beloved would meet you there.

Once you found him there, he was actually everywhere. You were never without him. That’s how it was with the Beloved. At least that’s how it was with me.

Back in the day, everywhere I went, the Beloved was always with me, in my heart.  

The Beloved made everything, and I mean everything, into an adventure, a great mystery, a sacred invitation, a wedding feast. Together with the Beloved, I learned to call forth and receive a vibration so radiant, a gift so rare, a transmission so sacred, it lit me up like a house on fire. It was the transmission of pure divine love. By way of the giving and receiving of this love, a creative activation occurred in my heart, and a sacred realm was born.  

I called it the Realm Of Love. The Realm of Love was our sacred creation, our playground, our true path, our masterpiece. I walked in this realm for years, alone yet together with him, full of love and bliss.

Before I could really begin to realise my destiny, I had to come to know him in my heart again. I had to drop everything on the outside, go deep, deep, deep into my own heart, to find the Beloved there, in my heart again. I had to find him and know him again in my heart, in order to step forward in love, no matter how much he seemed to hate me on the outside. Because the Beloved was a part of me, you see. I needed that part to be whole again. I needed that part to fulfil my destiny and create the new world. I needed that part to realise my heart’s dreaming, to fulfil the story written on the star in my heart. So even as I walked away, and kept on walking, I learned to embrace him again, deep in the heart of me. And as soon as I learned to embrace the Beloved in my heart again, the new world began to be born, and my destiny was began to be realised.

I called it the Realm of Love.

We had been creating it together for years. All those beautiful years after the castle gates had closed behind me, when he was all I had left. All those beautiful years spent together with him in my heart, walking in love. All those beautiful years before I walked away. We had been creating together by way of love that whole time, and the Realm of Love had been our acred creation and our playground.  

The Realm of Love was the creative result of our sacred union, our coming together in love, the result of the creative activation in the heart, the highest achievement of love’s victory. It was this sacred realm that I walked in, together with him, for all the years he loved me, for all the years that the passion in his heart had been his offering to me, all the years I received his love as he offered it to me. Those were miraculous years, years in which the Beloved transformed into his best self, his true nature, his Beloved nature, his Divine Self. Those were years in which the Beloved’s heart awakened and became his sacred offering. In those years, all his meanness and his games faded away. Those were the love years, the years of Union, the years of truth, of sacred creativity, and the Realm of Love was our creation, our offering to the world.

But those years were long gone. This time it was my job to bring it through alone, to anchor it in as the blueprint for the new world, as the core vibration and building block for the new world. To create a world based on love, a world created through love, a world created by way of love. By way of love’s great victory, love’s eternal victory, the happy joy of loving and being loved, of belonging, once and for all, to love. This was a love so strong it could overcome the deepest devastation, betrayal and hurt. This was a love so strong, it could forgive and redeem the deepest darkness, the purest evil. It could smile and hug the Devil, and make friends with him. This love, this sacred love, this eternal love, this pure radiant and divine love was the force it took to make the dream of the new world come true. My love for the Beloved. And that love, that sacred love, it was still in the heart of me. I just needed to go deep, deep, deep inside to find it again, to resurrect it, to bring it back to life.

Through the Beloved I learned a deep sacred truth, a sacred mystery. I learned that this meeting in the heart is how the world works. It’s how you meet the Beloved in everything, welcome and receive the Beloved in everything, by meeting him deep in your heart of hearts first. And I knew right then, deep in my heart, that by walking away from him, and meeting him once again in my heart, I would somehow begin again. I would start from scratch. And, as it was written in my star, I would create the world anew. I would realise my destiny.

Alone now, with the power of my love, with the power of my love for the Beloved in me, my love for the Beloved once lost, now found, deep in the heart of me, I began to create again the Realm of Love, and in doing so, realise my destiny.

I longed for him at first, after I left him. I longed for him from the depths of my soul. I tried to go back to him, more than once, but that’s what gave him the opportunity to bind me up in his magic, to punish me, to demolish me in the end. When I tried to go back to him, to get back what I had lost when I left him, that’s what gave the vampire the permission to enter in, and once the vampire was in my house, it was very difficult to get rid of him. In fact, it was almost impossible.

But maybe that was because I wasn’t meant to get rid of him. You never know with the Beloved. And you never know with me.

I longed for him at first, but not for long. Before long, I was running. I was running from him, from his punishment, from his tight, cruel, punishing grip, from the grip of him, the madness that had gripped him when he thought he’d lost me. I ran as far away as I could get. I ran somewhere I knew he could never come. What the Beloved had not learned yet, is that he could never lose me. You can never lose the Beloved. I had learned that already, when the castle gates closed behind me. He learned it too, in the end. He learned it when it was almost too late for him. But the truth is, things are never too late for the Beloved. I learned that a long time ago as well.

When I left him, the Realm of Love died. It became lost. I wandered for years more trying to find it. I walked without it, without its vibrancy, its brilliance, its radiance, its creative and redemptive power and potential. I walked without it for years. Little did I know, the Realm of Love still existed within my heart as a creative possibility.  

He cut a sad figure in the end, the Beloved. Because when he turned on me, when love turned to hate, and when he lost me finally by driving me away with his cruel punishment, he lost access to his heart. And without his heart, the Beloved lost his radiance. He lost his joy. He lost his majesty. He lost his potency. He lost his passion. He lost his way.

The Beloved had gone wrong, you see. Hideously wrong, horrendously wrong, hell-bent wrong. Why he was so hell-bent, I could not understand, when Heaven had been ours for so long. But he was committed to it. He was stuck in it. He was possessed by it. When love turned to hate, evil crept in, and the Beloved had been defeated by it. It was like he couldn’t find his way back to love. Maybe because he never thought he was worthy of that love in the first place. Maybe because he never thought he would experience love in the first place. So I had to leave him behind.

It was a terrible hurt that drove the Beloved. It was a terrible hurt that drove the Beloved to leave the sanctuary of his own heart and live on the outside, the outside of himself, the outside of his heart, the outside of his own true home, of his own true belonging. The Beloved was wounded, you see, deeply wounded, tragically wounded, mortally wounded, you could say. Outside of his own heart, the Beloved lost access to his own sacred nourishment, his own plenitude, his own divine nectar, his own life blood, his ruby juice. And so a terrible hunger ensued. The Beloved became driven by a hunger that was not human, that was not his own. He became consumed by a hunger to consume, to feed on the life blood of those around him.  

When I left him, he turned this hunger on me. When I left him, the pain, the shock of my leaving, drove the Beloved outside of his heart. And there he remained for years to come, outside of the sanctuary of his own heart. He committed to it. He refused to return to his heart. He refused to love again. He refused to do the work it would take to reignite his passion. The Beloved had lost his way. He was digging himself further and further into a grave of his own making. He was going further and further in the wrong direction. Soon the Beloved would go through a death of his own. And not before time too. And so I had to leave him behind.